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 When It's Always About Him: How to Spot A Narcissist on the First Date
by Susan Hannibal
Narcissism is a serious and intractable personality disorder that is light-years beyond being simply selfish, spoiled or smug. Narcissists usually come across as charming, funny, engaging, attractive, bigger than life. In relationships, his grandiose ego scans the crowd for the one beautiful, idealized woman to take the place of honor in his guilded cage…whose honor it is to bask in his reflected glory.
The Wizard of Oz was probably a hard-core narcissist. Like the Greek mythological character Narcissus, who gazed into a pool and fell in love with his own reflection, the Wizard seems to fit the narcissistic profile. An insecure little man wrapped in a swaggering facade that hides an enormous ego, he humiliates and controls others (and you if you're dating him) in order to feel superior, conceal his fragile sense of self-worth and avoid shame. He covers his pathetic swiss-cheese sense of self with rage. He alternatively needs and despises his alter-ego, the sensitive, sniveling palace guard. His endless need for admiration and approval are fulfilled by his cheering subjects in the land of Oz.
BIRTH OF A NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY
A certain amount of narcissism is healthy. Regard for self is a key ingredient of self-esteem, but narcissists lack a strong sense of self, the core identity that healthy, well-balanced people gain in childhood. So what kind of parenting produces narcissistic children so devoid of a self? There are various schools of thought about how and why narcissism develops. Some psychoanalysts theorize that the seeds of narcissism are planted in early childhood and develop due to emotional and/or physical abuse, or shame. There's a difference between shame and guilt. Guilt is "you did something bad." Shame is, "You are bad." When parents say "You should be ashamed of yourself" often enough, children will begin to believe them and their self-esteem fractures.
According to Alan Abrams, M.D., a prominent forensic psychiatrist in San Diego, "Learning to deal with deprivation and limits on one's need for gratification and power is an essential element of healthy self-esteem. In a healthy childhood, kids learn this is part of the give-and-take of the human condition, instead of feeling hurt and singled out for punishment."
Abrams continues, "In some families, narcissism may develop simply as a result of a poor "match" between parent and child. Everybody needs to develop a sense of who they are as they grow up. Some parents have kids they can't accept--the "match" is wrong. The parent can't promote their kid's self-esteem. The stereotype "stage mother" is one example. If you have bright, yuppie-type upper middle class parents who want their child to be a professional for example, and the kid has an idealistic humanitarian streak and wants to join the Peace Corps, there's going to be significant conflict there."
Whatever the cause, the damage is pervasive, lifelong, and pretty much untreatable. Conventional therapy falls flat because the very nature of narcissism defeats the purpose of therapy. A narcissist cannot accept that there might be anything wrong with him or his behavior. He reacts to the slightest criticism with narcissistic rage or by withdrawing in cold indifference. He devalues people he is in relationship with, as well as the therapist. His viewpoint is that he is fine, you (or the therapist) are the ones who are wrong.
NARCISSISM DEFINED
The DSM-IV, 1 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) a reference book used by mental health professionals to diagnose psychiatric and psychological disorders, states that 50%-75% of people diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are male.
Dr. James Masterson, a clinical professor of psychiatry at Cornell University Medical College-New York Hospital is a pioneer in the diagnosis and treatment of personality disorders. He is the author of The Search for the Real Self: Unmasking the Personality Disorders of Our Age. According to Dr. Masterson, "early childhood conditioning plays a part in the development of narcissistic personality disorder. The child's real or authentic self may have been ignored--or that self may have been attacked while a demand was placed on the child to be "perfect." Fiercely driven to achieve in order to meet the perfectionistic expectations of others, these children never develop the capacity to consider others' needs. This personality disorder may not be immediately obvious. The subtle ones won't show their true colors until "deprived."
Dr. Masterson says that most narcissist reveal themselves if you know what to watch for:
- They seek to be the center of attention. Their constant search for approval and praise to validate their inflated ego means they're frequently "on-stage", dominating conversations and often exaggerating their
importance or qualifications.
- They lack empathy for others and have an arrogant, inflated sense of entitlement. Narcissist's feel that others are here to serve and accommodate them. They need everything for themselves and are envious of others' accomplishments and possessions.
- Criticism or disapproval takes them back to their difficult childhoods, sending them into a defensive fury, since any flaw or mistake means they're not perfect. When things go wrong, they blame others because they cannot acknowledge the imperfections implicit in accepting responsibility.
- Appearance matters more than substance. Power, wealth and beauty bolster their fragmented self-image. Narcissistic men seek the most beautiful women, biggest houses, flashiest cars.
- They may be extremely driven because "narcissistic fuel" of outside approval is so essential. Many are workaholics.
Many narcissists also have addictions to prescription or street drugs, alcohol, pornography or other behaviors/substances, because it's very painful to be a narcissist, and addictions are anesthesia for their pain. They use denial ("I'm not self-centered, you're just too needy!") and dissociation (mentally "zoning out") as defense mechanisms. His irrational rages and emotional blackmail are a ticking time bomb. You never know what will set him off. If you try to assert your own needs, he'll try to keep you walking on eggshells by playing the righteous victim: "How could you do this to me? You're so selfish. What do I ever ask of you? After everything I do for you, this is what I deserve?"
They blame their parents, their employer, you, for their tantrums and troubles. Their sense of entitlement and superiority can get them in trouble with the law, because stupid things like laws apply to other people, not to them. They're always innocent and others are persecuting them.
Sound exhausting? It is. And it's even more exhausting and dangerous to your health and sanity to be in relationship with one. So how can you tell before you get hitched if your man might have this serious psychiatric condition or is merely immature and selfish? And more importantly, what factors in yourself might be attracting this pattern in relationships?
THE NARCISSIST IN RELATIONSHIP-TWO WOUNDED HEARTS
To be in a relationship with a narcissist is to be treated as an object. If you've ever been treated as an object before, for example being a victim of sexual molestation or incest as a child, you may be susceptible to the wiles of the narcissist. In my medical intuition and energy healing practice, I see many women who have been deeply wounded by this type of parent or partner. He can't acknowledge or respond to your needs, because he only sees you as an extension of himself, a reflection. If you express a need, he immediately perceives it as an attack on himself.
Because the narcissist lacks self-esteem, he must get it via the reflection of those people and things he surrounds himself with. Since you're merely an object of reflection for him, he can't hear, understand, or acknowledge you.
One of my clients finally gathered the strength to leave a long, draining, marriage to a narcissist. At one point he demanded to know why she didn't just sit him down and simply tell him what was wrong. She turned to him, stunned, and said flatly, "I've been telling you for years. You can't hear me."
"But I give you everything you want!" he wailed. " I give you money, and freedom, and you don't have to work-- I give you everything! What have I done to deserve this?"
And she replied, "You don't give me what I want, you give me what you want me to have. There's a difference."
Since the only needs a narcissist is able to care about are his own, it would be as if his child came to him in the middle of the night, and said, "Daddy, I'm thirsty," and Daddy replied, "I'm not, go back to bed."
Narcissists look at the world from the standpoint of what they can get out of it, how they can use people to get their own needs met, with no thought of others needs. He measures everyone and everything by the yardstick of usefulness.
The real tragedy of narcissim is that they are unable to love. His partner gradually shuts down parts of herself to avoid his punishing silences and erratic, sometimes tyrannical mood swings. What little self-esteem she has left is in shreds, and she may develop anxiety, panic attacks, and/or depression. Some of my clients in narcissistic relationships are on anti-depressants or anti-anxiety drugs, they aren't sleeping normally, and are drinking, gambling, smoking pot, eating too much or not enough. They tend to come across as sort of shell-shocked and hollow, and they exhibit some symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. PTSD is most commonly linked with war trauma, battered women and victims of rape or other violent crimes, but it can also occur from growing up in a dangerous home.
Sam Vaknin, Ph.D., author of Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited, himself an admitted incurable narcissist says this about the narcissist and relationships:
"Healthy interpersonal relationships can be recognized by qualities such as empathy and concern for the feelings of others, the ability to tolerate ambivalence in long-term relationships without giving up and a capacity to acknowledge one's own contribution to interpersonal conflicts."
Narcissists do none of the above. So how does a woman attract a narcissist in the first place?
THE MIND/BODY CONNECTION
In my medical intuition practice, I "read" (perceive through intuitive or spiritual means,) and interpret the energetic signature of emotional and/or physical patterns of trauma, imbalance or disease in a person. When I do a reading, I am primarily looking at my client's emotional history, although sometimes physical disorders come up as well.
First I "scan" the chakras, which function as mini energetic "hard drives" in the body. Chakras record and store the energetic impressions of trauma, and when one gets in touch with that trauma, in many cases the affected chakra(s) will ache, churn or otherwise trigger a sensation within us. I perceive impressions of emotional wounds, traumatic incidents, fears, and negative core beliefs that need to be healed. The reading provides a roadmap for our work together, and reveals some of what is on my client's internal "hard drive". I counsel people to see the connection between their presenting physical ailments and the emotional issues and patterns in their lives. Over time, intense emotional toxicity can lead to physical toxicity and disease.
WHAT'S ON YOUR HARD DRIVE?
We all have a "hard drive". Some call it the subconscious, the higher self or the soul. The hard drive receives input on all layers of an experience and stores the sensory aspects in the energy system (meridian energy pathways and chakras) as well as in the brain and the body. The sight, sound, smell, taste, emotions, pain or trauma, all aspects of the experience are encoded. This is also called cellular memory.
So imagine that we are born with a blank hard drive, and the first people to inscribe programs on it are our parents or caregivers. Then other family members put their programming on it, then school, culture, church, friends, bosses, romantic partners.. This data-inscription and storage continues throughout our lives.
Some programs are about belief systems, negative or positive. For example, whirrrr, "You can be anything you want to be when you grow up, even the first female President! Or whirrrr, "You'll never amount to anything, you're stupid."
We get programs that tell us what love looks and feels like, programs about trust, safety, belonging, emotional needs for affection and connection with others, our sense of self, (or in the case of the poor narcissist, lack thereof) fear, phobias, pain, punishment, all of the human experience is written and stored on our hard drives. In the case of negative patterns, they tend to show up repeatedly, causing us and others emotional pain, destroying relationships, losing money, and various other kinds of chaos until they are recognized and the root cause is healed. A pattern carries with it certain coded emotional triggers, an "energetic signature" --- that when activated by a person or circumstance, causes the pattern to re-run.
PROFILE OF A NARCISSISTIC RELATIONSHIP- THE READING
"Cynthia" age 53, came to me for a reading. She was distraught and full of fear. I saw a symbolic image of Cynthia as a dot, and the words "I'm so small." I felt she had a need to stay invisible in order to stay safe. I saw that she had an alcoholic father and a passive/aggressive mother. The words that came to me were chaos, trying to survive, fear, "I'm not good enough", incomplete sense of self, parts disconnected, disempowered.
I saw that in relationships, others had the upper hand and Cynthia had a tendency to give more than she got, a "people pleaser" energy. I also saw her in a struggle with a man, and I wasn't sure if the struggle was physical or symbolic. She was bent over, holding her stomach, saying, "how could you do this to me" and she was collapsed in a heap, crying.
Her heart carried the energy of betrayal and heartbreak, and I saw an image of a heart covered with cracks. It felt frozen to me, not cold, but frozen in time, and she was in a stuck, closed off place in matters of the heart.
At the throat area, I saw that years of pain and anguish were clogged in her throat. "I can't speak up for myself, people won't like it, nobody wants to hear me anyway" came next. The energy in the throat felt like a hard lump, like a volcano just waiting to erupt. I felt that she was confused, and was unable to distinguish and respond to her own intuitive inner voice. I wrote, "you perceive, then deny it or undo it. Need to clear fear in order to see all elements of a person or situation. Short-sighted, not long-term."
No wonder Cynthia had attracted narcissistic men into her life. She had such shaky self-esteem, she was ready to hand over the reins of her life to anyone who looked more capable than she felt.
THE FACTS
Cynthia had divorced "Bill" after nearly 27 years of marriage. Her marriage was difficult, but she had been married in the church and believed that it was a life-long commitment, no matter what. In the first year, after Bill slapped her around because dinner wasn't ready when he wanted it, Cynthia ran home to her mother, expecting sympathy. Her mother, an emotionally and physically battered wife herself, scolded her daughter for "making him lose his temper" and advised Cynthia that she'd made her bed, and had better sleep in it. Cynthia sobbed as she told me she couldn't believe that things had turned out so badly.
"He was so selfish," she cried, "whenever we had a fight, it was always about him! No matter what I said, he never heard me."
In the blush of first love, Cynthia failed to take note of the fact that Bill was, in typical narcissist fashion, self-absorbed, unable to handle the slightest criticism, blamed her for everything that went wrong, arrogantly ignored her dreams in favor of his own, lashed out at her for even daring to have any needs, and had an ego that would flood the Hoover Dam. In her frantic quest for some stability, safety and love, she landed in bed with the enemy. Bill knew her greatest need was safety and greatest fear was abandonment, so he used them to manipulate and control her like a puppeteer yanks a string. His favorite way to back her down from even the slightest conflict was a threat--"If you don't like it you can leave." She'd become instantly submissive and beg him to give her another chance.
Once she tried to separate from him, and fled to a friend's home for a few days. While there, he called her to report that he had had a talk with God, and God had revealed to him the root of all their problems.
Cynthia replied, "Really? Well I can't wait to hear what God had to say." And he said, "If only you would stop complaining, everything would be fine."
Cynthia continued to endure Bill's emotional extortion, occasional beatings, and numerous affairs, but she had children, so in her mind there was no escape. Even after the children were grown and gone, fear that she couldn't survive on her own continued to block her from leaving a dead marriage and an abusive, punishing man. She endured several bouts of depression, each more serious than the last. Then she found out, quite by accident, that her husband and her best friend had been having an affair for years.
Another depression took hold, and she was in bed for 9 months with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. She could not or would not hear her spirit and psyche trying to get through to her with a survival SOS, so her body shut down in a last-ditch effort to get her attention. THIS MARRIAGE IS KILLING YOU! … GET OUT! After so much suffering, the veil of denial and fear was pierced by the messenger of last resort: illness.
Unfortunately, Cynthia's case is nether extreme nor uncommon. Another client, who I'll call "Glenda", came for a reading because she was about 80 pounds overweight and was shopping uncontrollably, to the tune of over $10,000 on the credit card. Her husband was wealthy, so he hadn't noticed, yet. He also tended not to notice her.
I asked what she was buying. Nothing special, she said vacantly, things for the house, clothes, crafts, miscellaneous stuff. I asked what she was eating, and she sighed and said, "everything in sight---bread, spaghetti, chocolate, cake batter, anything.
"Ok" I said, "So you're pouring on all this anesthesia, comforting yourself with eating and shopping. What is this pain?" And she looked at me and said, "I don't know."
Glenda was in an emotionally arid relationship with her narcissistic husband. She was vainly trying to fulfill her need for love and affection , the void in her heart, with food and shopping. When I shared that insight with her, she burst into tears.
"You might be right, " she cried. " The day we got married, he said to me, 'I love you, I'll always love you, and we don't need to speak about it again."
ARE YOU A NARCISSIST-MAGNET?
So how do you know if there are traits in you that tend to attract abusers, narcissists and self-absorbed takers in relationships? Here are some common belief patterns that I in women who are in relationships with narcissistic men or who had narcissistic fathers: (keep in mind you may not be aware of these since they're subconscious, but if you analyze patterns in your life-- "this always happens to me"-- you may spot some of these patterns infecting your relationships.)
- "I'm not good enough", which is low self-esteem. You tend to attach to and live through another person. If they're rich or good looking or successful and you're with them, you get some reflected glory, at least until they dump you. (What you actually get are the crumbs, but you settle for that.)
- "I don't deserve…" to be loved, to be successful, to be financially secure, etc. If there's an underlying belief that you don't deserve, you will attract people and circumstances that will fulfill this subconscious desire for you, and will treat you as if you don't deserve anything good.
- "I'm afraid to take control of my life," or " I'm afraid of how my life will change if I step up to the plate and heal." What if I became rich and powerful and successful? Would my friends still like me? Would men be threatened and run?
- "The world is a dangerous place for a single woman, you need a man for protection." Maybe in the stone age, but not anymore.. A relationship with an unhealed man is hazardous to your health. "I need to stay for the sake of the children. At least he's only hurting me, not them." Grow up and put your teddy bear away. If your husband is hurting you in any way, physically, mentally, emotionally, or disrespecting you in front of the kids, he's damaging them also.
- "If you love someone, you sacrifice yourself for them." Actually, if someone really loved you, they wouldn't require you to sacrifice yourself for them or anyone else. Love does not mean self-sacrifice. That's what martyrs do. I tell my martyr-clients, "Jesus already went to the cross. You don't have to." And if your man wants you on his cross, run from him and directly nto therapy.
- "The way to get love is to please others." (co-dependency, care-taking, rescuing.) This is another take on self-sacrifice. I think it's a generational epidemic among baby boomers. Many of our mothers taught us to let others, (translation: men) grab the brass ring, while we stand politely waiting for our turn, which never comes.
So what should you do if you see yourself or your man here?
- Analyze and review, in as detached a manner as you can, the patterns that are running in your relationship with him. How does he respond to your needs, whatever they are? Does he listen and validate you when you respectfully, calmly, in a non-accusatory manner, communicate your wants and needs to him? When you talk to him about something he's done or said that hurt you, and you consistently feel invalidated, ("Are you PMSing again?"), or he always turns it around and makes it about him, you may be in the danger zone
- The law of attraction, a universal law as dependable as gravity, states "Like attracts like". Take a look at your hard-drive, and notice any programs about rescuing, care-taking, being a martyr, undeserving, self-sacrifice, giving-more-than-you-get that may be running. If your friends are always nagging you to leave, or rolling their eyes and saying, "WHY do you put up with this?", listen to them. Maybe they see what you can't.
- Get into therapy with a counselor who understands narcissistic personality disorder, not to change him, but to find out why you attracted this man in the first place, why you put up with the punishment, and how to stop. We all know that no relationship is perfect. There are always compromises to be made, by both partners. If you find yourself constantly sacrificing your dreams, goals, needs, sense of self, in favor of what he wants most or all of the time, you're probably with a narcissistic man. Add to that the price you pay if you displease him, ( the silent treatment, rages, threats, pouting for days) the "it's always about him" energy pervading the relationship, and there's a good chance you're in over your head. You can try joint counseling, but I have to tell you not to expect much. The narcissist will approach counseling with the attitude that he will make the sacrifice and go, as long as you get fixed, and it better be quick. Remember, he is the victim here. ("If only you'd stop complaining, everything would be fine.")
Learn to look at your life and the people in it, symbolically, as an intuitive does. Some people cross our paths so we can learn lessons from them, others, we teach. Sometimes the lessons are painful, but pain teaches us to honor ourselves, and to have compassion and forgiveness for ourselves as well as those who we perceive as having hurt us. The lesson a narcissist teaches us is "honor thyself."
For further information, go to www.samvak.tripod.com , home of the book by Sam Vaknin, Malignant Self-love, Narcissism Re-Visited. This site is excellent, with a wealth of information on relationships with narcissists, FAQs about narcissism and other personality disorders and a look into the mind of a narcissist.
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